Dark emotions
by Nutmeg the rebel
Summary: So basically this is a story where Ezra is depressed and suicidal. I'm new to writing so be patient with me. Make sure to review so I know what you think, if the story gets enough attention I'll be more likely to work harder to make it better and to post more often.
1. chapter 1

"Ezra can you help Kanan fix the phantom?" Hera calls over the com. Ezra grumbles not wanting to deal with anyone for a while but does as Hara asked.

Getting up from his bunk his foot slipped off the ladder and he looses his grip falling on his butt. Zeb was in his bunk reading (from whatever they'd read from I'm not sure if they have normal books in SWR) and started laughing at Ezra " Nice one kid hahaha" and continued to laugh at Ezras misfortune Ezra growls and says "At least I don't smell" and with that Ezra walks out to go help Kanan leaving Zeb to wonder what crawled up Ezras backside.

Ezra finally got to the phantom and started helping Kanan who was trying to make small talk but Ezra wasn't saying anything unless he had to it was just a bad day for poor Ezra. Kanan then trys bringing up Jedi training in hopes that Ezra will brighten up "So how's meditation been going? You said you were practicing" but all that got him was a shrug from Ezra.

Kanan then decided that maybe he just needed a couple days to himself and he'd be back to their bright happy Ezra.

Unfortunately that's not what happened they all gave Ezra space for a couple days but he didn't seem any better so they gave him space for a couple more days but Hera was getting worried that he needed to talk but didn't want to be a bother. Kanan on the other hand just thought it was a normal teenager thing and Ezra would get over it but he was wrong, very wrong.

Ezra was sitting on the bathroom floor thinking while he tried to get Kanans razors open so he could take one. They were hard to open Kanan liked that so that if he dropped the case it wouldn't pop open and fall on the floor but they were even harder to open since his vision was blurry from crying.

He finally gave up and decided to take a shower to hide the fact he was crying since he felt weak when he cried and nothing good came from being weak especially on the streets. While Ezra was in the shower the crew held a meeting to try and figure out what could be making Ezra upset since they didn't want to confront him and make him withdraw himself even more or embarrass him. So far the crew couldn't think of anything nothing was wrong it wasn't anywhere near empire day so they didn't think it was that and they didn't know Ezras history enough to know if there was anything else to upset him. Sabine chimed in with what she thinks is going on "It could just be the fact he's a teenager and he's going through puberty I often want to withdraw myself like he is I just don't actually do it at least not often " the rest of the crew thought about it and figured Sabine was probably right. teenagers were confusing to Zeb so he just went with that he figured the kids hormones were just going crazy like the other human teens. Unfortunately for them that wasn't the case.

Ezra was now in his bunk again trying to go to sleep but not succeeding in his attempts. He then decided to crawl through the vents to see if that would help. As he was crawling through the vents he found a little pocket knife (I think they have those) he checked the blade it was nice and sharp. He wondered for a minute how it got in the vents but shrugged it off and put the knife in his pocket he knew exactly what he was gonna do with it.

The crew ended they're meeting with the conclusion that it was just hormones but Kanan started thinking about what if it's not just him being a teenager what if Hera was right to worry but of course no one could know what's going on unless someone asks and even then Ezra is really good at lieing his way out of things, one of the many lessons he learned on the streets. Kanan decided if Ezra didn't start acting normal before the end of the week he'd ask Ezra.

Hera was still a little worried for Ezra even after the meeting but she thought it was just her motherly instincts. she may not be Ezras real mom but she loved him like he was her son. And she knew Kanan thought of Ezra as more then just a padawan, he thought of him as a son too.


	2. Not an update, but please read

**Apology\Reason**

I am so sorry I haven't updated this story, I got writers block, had a lot of things going on, and had an appointment to get my hair done. Now the only reason I'm not updating is because my dad's in the hospital and me and my family are going through a tough time with that right now, please keep him in your thoughts and prayers. so I apologize for saying I'd update either last month or this month but I hope everyone understands. I will try to update soon but I can't make any promises, I'm also looking for a beta reader (I think that's what they're called anyway). So sorry again and I hope you all have a safe and fun 4th of July if I don't update before then. 


	3. Chapter one redone

I'm redoing chapter one because I really just don't like how it came out, I'll leave the original up but I just couldn't continue without fixing the first chapter. so thank you for your patience.

 **Special thanks to Midnight luna and Inner fangirl for being my beta.**

also, I'm adding some warnings there **will** be suicidal thoughts **and** actions.

_

 **Ezra's POV.**

"Hey Hera, where's Kanan?" I ended up having to go to the cockpit to ask Hera where Kanan was since I looked all over the ship for him and couldn't find him. "No, sorry Ezra" well great I thought. "Well if you see him before I do can you tell him I need to talk to him? I'll be in my bunk" "Sure Ezra" and with that, I walked off

 **time skip 4 hours later~~~~**

 **Kanans POV.**

I left the ghost for a bit to get Ezra a gift since his birthday is coming up. I arrived back later than I thought I would. I put Ezra's present in my room to keep it a surprise. he usually doesn't go in there unless he needs me. I go to the cockpit to spend time with Hera for a bit. once I get to the cockpit and sit in the copilot's seat Hera turns away from the data pad she was reading. "Ezra was looking for you earlier, it seemed like he wanted to talk to you about something important." "ok, I'll go find him then" I stand up and give Hera a kiss before smiling and walking out of the cockpit to find Ezra.

I went to the kitchen first since his stomach is like a bottomless pit. I only found Zeb and Sabine playing a game on the holotable. I go stand beside Sabine leaning on the back of her seat. "So who's winning?" both Zeb and Sabine replay "Me" I just laugh and ask "Where's Ezra?" Sabine shrugged not looking up from the game while Zeb looked up and told me "He's in his bunk." "Ok thanks." before I make it out the door I hear "Hey no fair! that's cheating!" "No, it's not Zeb you're just a sore loser" I just shake my head and laugh. Now to head to Ezra and Zeb's room.

I knocked on the door a few times "Ezra?" I open the door to see him asleep on his bunk curled in a ball on top of the covers. I chuckle and shake my head, I walk over and carefully maneuver him so I can pull the covers on top of him. then I run my hand through his hair and place a kiss on his forehead and leave the room with the thought "When did Hera and I become parents to three kids" "Almost exactly one year ago dear" I turn to see Hera standing there with a cup of caff in one hand and a holopad in the other. I smile walkover and give her a kiss "Best year of my life" she smiles back at me before we walk back to the cockpit.

A/N

I know this was mostly in Kanans POV and it was really short and I'm sorry about that but I have a plan and the story has to start like this. anyway, I would have updated sooner but my dad passed away suddenly on June 30th so with all the grieving and funeral planning I didn't have time. so to keep my mind off things I'm going to be working harder on this story, I can't promise regular updates though and I'm going to post this on wattpad too so I can post pics to go with the story.


	4. Chapter two

**Special thanks to Midnight luna and Inner fangirl**

 **Ezra's POV.**

I woke up early in the morning and decided to start breakfast. I still haven't talked with Kanan, I'm starting to get annoyed with how busy he's been recently. I just want this month to be over with.

 **Kanan's POV.**

I just got out of the shower to the smell of breakfast, it confused me since Hera usually makes it, but she stayed up late and asked me to cook it since she was going to sleep in. I got dressed, put my hair up and went to the kitchen.

once in the kitchen I spot Ezra putting food on the table, I swear he's full of surprises. "Good morning Ezra."

 **Ezra's POV.**

I finished cooking and set everything on the table. I always try to make myself useful so I don't feel so bad. It doesn't always work. "Good morning Ezra." I turn around and spot Kanan in the doorway. "Good morning Kanan." "I didn't know you could cook." "Umm yeah, I've been helping Hera whenever I'm up."

 **Kanan's POV.**

I nod. That explains why the food sometimes tasted different. Ezra and I ate our breakfast in silence, then I remember Ezra wanting to talk yesterday.

"Hey, what did you want to talk about yesterday?" "Oh well um, I was just kinda wondering if we could spend the day together?" I smile "Of course. What did you want to do?" His face lights up. "Well, I wanted to show you some things I found and stashed in my tower." I nod "Ok after we finish eating and the others get up, we can head out"

 **Ezra's POV**

"Ok!" I hurry to finish and run to go get ready. I get my backpack and go to wait.

 **~Time skip~**

We leave after telling the others what we were doing. On our way to my tower, we stop at a vendor and get some things that Hera asked us to pick up.

We get to my tower, lots of memories play in my head as we go to the top.

Once there I toss my bag over to where I used to sleep. "Go sit over there Kanan, I'll be right back." I say as I go into a different room.

 **Kanan's POV.**

I sit down next to Ezra's bag, I look around while I wait, then I see something poking out from under the pillow. I lean over and grab it, it's a sharp piece of scrap metal. it's not very big about 3 or 4 inches long and it's thin, normally I wouldn't worry since he has scrap metal, wires, helmets, etc, just laying around but when I look closer at it I notice this brown stuff on it, I rub some of it off well it's not rust. but then what is it? as I'm trying to figure it out, Ezra comes out with a small crate in his hands. he freezes and looks from me to the scrap metal I'm holding then back to me, he looks horrified. A thought comes to my mind and I'm hoping and praying that I'm wrong.

 **Ezra's POV.**

I come back with the things I wanted to show Kanan but once I lay my eyes on him and notice what he's holding, a mixture of emotions go through my mind, anger, sadness, worry, and worst of all fear, fear of him telling the others, of him being upset with me, of what he'll think of me. what should I do? I can't move, I'm too scared.

 **Kanan's POV.**

I snap out of my daze and walk over to him. I grab the crate out of his hands and set it down. I grab his wrist, he realizes what I'm doing and try's to pull away, before he can push his sleeve up and my eyes widen in horror as I look at the scars going from his wrist to his elbow. each scar varying in age, some look like they can't be more than a week old. It breaks my heart to see that he's suffering so much. He pulls away from me before he can turn and run, I bring him into a tight hug. "Ezra, I promise you, everything's going to be ok. I'm not mad."

 **Ezra's POV.**

"Ezra, I promise you, everything's going to be ok I'm not mad." after hearing that, I break, I cry into his chest and hold onto him as if I was drowning and he was the only thing keeping me above the water. "I'm sorry Kanan, I'm sorry." I know he's mad and disappointed, I can just feel it. But I can't change, this is the only way to make the pain go away for just a little while. "Shh Ezra, calm down. I'm not mad. just please, promise me you'll let us help you?" I can't say anything so I just nod into his chest.

we stay like that for a little over an hour before I start to doze off. we hop on the speeder and go back home to the ghost. I fall asleep, not even halfway through the ride back.

 **A/N. Sorry for not making this longer but at least it's an update.**


	5. Chapter Three

Special Thanks To Midnight Luna and InnerFangirl for being my beta.

Kanan's POV.

Once we got back to the Ghost I carried Ezra to bed, after making sure he was still asleep I went to go talk with Hera, she needs to know what's going on.

Hera's POV.

Kanan and Ezra have been gone for a few hours, they aren't supposed to be back until dinner and everyone else is relaxing today so I can finally get some chores done in piece.

Kanan's POV.

"Hera?" "Yeah? What happened you look like you've seen a ghost."

"There's something we need to talk about. It's about Ezra."

"Ezra? Is he ok?"

"well, yes and no. he's been cutting."

Hera's POV.

"I can't believe it, how did I not notice Ezra going through this."

"it's ok Hera, now we can help him."

"I hope so."

Ezra's POV.

I can't believe how I fell asleep after Kanan found out. I wonder if he's told Hera yet.

She's going to be so upset with me, I just want this to end, and for everything to go back to normal.

What're Zeb and Sabine going to think?! I didn't even think about that! They're going to think of me as some sort of freak!

This just gets better and better doesn't it.

Sabine's POV.

"WHAT?!?!"

"Shhh, Sabine! He's in the other room sleeping."

"You've got to be kidding me! How can he be so selfish, cutting himself, trying to kill himself! That's just so selfish!"

"We know Sabine, but people who get this depressed aren't in the right state of mind, right now we need to be there to help and support Ezra. We can't let him go through this alone. Ok?"

"Ok, Hera, I understand."

"That's my girl. Now I need to go get Zeb for a supply run, I want you to go with him so Kanan and I can talk with Ezra. Ok?"

"Ok."

Ezra's POV.

It seems unreal how fast things spiralled out of control. All I did was leave Kanan alone in the tower for not even a minute! Now I'm too nervous to leave Zeb and I's room.

I know Hera will be coming in to check on me soon, it's something she's always done since the first time I had a nightmare here, it was about a week or two after I moved in, she's always checked on me while I sleep after that.

Everyone here always confuse me with how they act, especially Zeb and Sabine. It's like one minute they pretty much hate me and the next they care about me, it's so confusing. I honestly don't even know how to act around the people (and droid) here, hell I don't know how to act around people in general, it's heard when you only really had friendly interactions with people when you were seven and younger, then once you're a street rat no one wants you alive. I still get hateful comments thrown at me whenever I go out on a supply run alone, but whenever I'm with someone they only give hateful and disgusted looks I sometimes wish I was invisable.

Hera's POV.

Kanan went off to meditate in his room, I told him I was going to check on Ezra soon, so that's what I'm doing.

I'm pretty sure Ezra should be waking up by now, I hope he's awake so he can eat.

I collect myself then knock on the door before intering, Ezra's awake and sitting on the bottom bunk so I go over and sit next to him.

"How'd you sleep?"

"Fine. Did Kanan tell you?"

"He did."

"And?"

"I can't say I'm not shocked and upset."

"I'm sorry, Hera."

"I know Ezzy."

"I'm sorry."

Seeing Ezra like this breaks me heart, he seems so broken and vulnerable.

I pull him into a hug as he starts tearing up, just then Kanan comes into the room and sits on the other side of Ezra and rubs Ezra's shoulder to comfort him.

I know it's gonna be tough but we'll get through this, everyone's willing to help Ezra no matter what.

*Authers note*

Sorry for not updating in so long, just didn't have time or inspiration. I feel like so far this story is ok, but I think I'm going to end it soon, I have another story I'd like to start writing, it'll be a BTS story so I hope you'll check it out. please tell me what you think of this story so i can improve. love you all!


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